Record Profits Posted for Vomit Cleanup Industry
Many St. Patrick’s Day celebrants awake this morning, often in locales foreign to them, trying to piece together the hazy events of last night by following a vomit trail in order for a Da Vinci code style quest to reveal the truth and possibly to stop that “fucking pounding in [their] head that feels like a god damned drill”. While the accountants of the alcohol industry are scurrying to tally their earnings of the night before, today, March 18, marks a fortuitous occasion for another industry, a day in which all debts are repaid and their businesses break out of the red. I am talking of course about the vomit cleanup industry.
Entrepreneur Chris Bergstrom (26) of Syracuse, NY founder and CEO of Boot ‘n’ Rally LLC who helped create this new brand of boutique cleaning services calls March 18, the vomit cleanup industry’s Black Friday.
“This is a pretty important day for our industry,” Bergstrom remarked as he used a miniature net to clean barf out of the fishtank of The Dubliner, a Lower Eastside pub, “We make crazy bank but see some gnarly shit.” He added “Seriously, I don’t even know how you get puke on top of a spinning ceiling fan 12 feet up. Gross, but absolutely epic”.
Bergstrom got into this industry after his liberal arts degree, 2.4 GPA and fraternity standards of what is socially acceptable lead to a fruitless job search. “I was just trying to find my way in the world, trying to figure out where my talents were, when it hit me: I used to be wicked good at getting puke out of couches in shit in the Kappa Sig house back at Syracuse.”
Pub owners have by and large been grateful for this emerging niche industry. Said Derek Shaughnessy, owner of The Dubliner, “Last year on March 18, I had over half of my janitorial staff quit on me. One guy who was supposed to be cleaning up the puke ended up just puking all over the place himself, and he used to be a field medic in Afghanistan.” Shaughnessy agreed with Bergrstom that shit could indeed get gnarly the morning after St. Patty’s.
With St. Patty’s Day puke cleanup being such a business success, Boot ‘n’ Rally LLC has plans to expand to other holiday cleanups by rolling out new products and services such as “Nasty Ass Moldy Jack-o-lantern Removal” and “New Years Eve De-glitterification”.
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